


You Are My Sunshine (Without You I Starve)

by nicotinewrites



Series: My Brother [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: African American Morality | Patton Sanders, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Being Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders Has PTSD, Deceit | Janus Sanders-centric, Demiromantic Dark Creativity | Remus Sanders, Demisexual Deceit | Janus Sanders, Food, French American Deceit | Janus Sanders, French Remy | Sleep Sanders, Gay Disaster Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Gay Disaster Dark Creativity | Remus Sanders, Gay Disaster Deceit | Janus Sanders, Gen, Genderfluid Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Genderfluid Sleep | Remy Sanders, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Latino Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Latino Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary Dr. Emile Picani, Not Beta Read, Quoigender Dark Creativity | Remus Sanders, Sleep | Remy Sanders is a Little Shit, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Trans Deceit | Janus Sanders, Unrequited Love, Virgil shows up in the epilogue but is only mentioned during the actual fic, but it doesn't seem like it to begin with, i still don't know how to tag, never explicitly said in the first three stories but thought y'all should know, sympathetic dark sides, the fact that it isn't an actual tag, y'all are sleeping on the gay disasters that are the dark sides
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25091122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicotinewrites/pseuds/nicotinewrites
Summary: Janus and Remus may have had a seemingly perfect relationship, as Virgil once pointed out, but that wasn't always the case.Or, the story of how Remus and Janus got together, featuring stupidity, good friends, heartache and happy endings.(Main chapters set before IHATTLTWO)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders (brief), Deceit | Janus Sanders & Dr. Emile Picani, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Larry (Cartoon Therapy), Deceit | Janus Sanders & Sleep | Remy Sanders, Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Eventual Dark Creativity | Remus Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Implied Eventual Creativity| Roman Sanders/Morality|Patton Sanders
Series: My Brother [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1798528
Comments: 12
Kudos: 67





	1. You Make Me Happy When Skies Are Grey

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!  
> Listen, I was going to write some more brotherly anxceit but then Demus hijacked it all. Sorry not sorry.  
> Trigger warnings:  
> Remus being Remus;  
> A lot of pining;  
> Negative thinking;  
> Scar mentions and implied past self harm;  
> Implied sexual content (it is Demus, after all)- but don't worry. Pretty sure this is the closest I'll ever get to writing smut.  
> Happy reading,  
> Ash x

Five and a half years. Five years of skipping church, three of smoking weed and four of getting into fights with Janus’s favourite quoigender trash rat, Remus. It was weird to think that they knew each other for so long. Remus (and Roman but Janus isn’t thinking about her) was the only friend of Janus’s who knew his Maman in person. The only person who knew why he could speak at least four languages and why he had a silver tongue. Remus was the only one who knew why Janus still froze up at the smell of fire, the screams of his Maman being the last the thing he heard before she died. It was horrific, being trapped in his head, but Remus pulled him out of it.

It was why he was so hopelessly in like with him. Everyone else could see it, even Pops, but Janus refused to admit it. Not because he was internally homophobic. No. He was brought up to believe that people have the right to love how they love and be who they feel they are without society trying to interfere. And it also wasn’t because Remus wasn’t nice on the eyes because… oh he definitely was.

Puberty made Remus flourish. The day he turned fourteen, two weeks before Janus's birthday, puppy fat seemed to melt away to become ripped abs and flabby thighs became a muscular tan colour. And the way he started dressing had Janus dreaming about him at night, Remus’s fishnet-clad legs wrapped around his body as his skirt swayed with their motions and… jeez Janus. Stop lusting over your best friend. Get a grip.

Remus’s makeup was gorgeous too. Not shoved all under his eyes like Virgil Borrasca’s- the emo racoon who's Mom was Pop's girlfriend- but artfully done (with a Remus touch, obviously). Black lipstick covered his thick lips, various eyeshadow shades adorning his lids and soft glitter on his skin. He looked beautiful and Janus was falling. Hard.

The reason why Janus refused to admit it was simple. Remus was out of his league. All Janus was, was the weird alternative kid who wore leather gloves, yellow shirts and the occasional bowler hat. He had various scars, burns and bruises on his body- some self-inflicted but most because of his past, fights or other... reasons- and of course that extremely noticeable burn on the left side of his face. He wasn't ugly but he wasn't canon either. He was not good in his skin, and everyone knew that famous quote about loving themselves. He knew Remus would never see him as a potential lover. So, he did what anyone would do. He made peace with it, put a mask on and was utterly thankful that the two were friends, because Remus made the thirteen year old confident. Shopping with him was great. He had Janus get dressed into skirts and things he wouldn’t usually wear, trying to break away from the trappings femininity caught him in. However, Remus was the one who taught him that clothes do not have any gender, so he soon enjoyed wearing dresses. He'd never admit it out loud though. Remus always insisted on going into the changing room with him- making it much harder to hide his secret- and he would have found it weird had it been anyone else, but it was Remus. He never confessed to be normal, doing anything he could to disprove that notion in the first place. And that just made Janus like him more. 

It became a routine, going shopping on the weekends at the mall down the road. They’d go into Hot Topic, some of the thrift stores and some random emo-looking shops, Remus buy him some clothes to wear (dragging him into the changing room and staying there as he got changed) and then they’d go to McDonalds or one of the pizzerias. Janus thought that this Saturday would be no different, but Remus had other ideas.

It started off normally. They took the bus to the mall and made their way inside. Janus had a mini gay panic due to what Remus was wearing: a green and black corset, fishnet tights- of course- and a black skirt. His eyeshadow was green as well, making his eyes pop. He grabbed Janus by the hand and tugged them into the nearest edgy store and he greeted the cashier, a young person with dark purple lipstick and purple-black hair. Remus ushered Janus into the dressing room and smirked, saying “I’ll be back.”

Then, he smacked Janus’s butt and sauntered off. That was weird, even for Remus.

Janus repressed a moan, the pain doing something to him in _that_ area. He didn’t know what to do, never feeling fully aroused before. He tried to think of the grossest possible thoughts, to stop himself from feeling weird, and it was working. Then Remus came back into the room.

“Hey J-anus. Strip for me, eh? Like a good boy.”

Remus’s voice was low and thick, eliciting shivers from Janus.

“Um… You’re not going to turn your back like you usually do?”

“Only if you want me to. But I get the feeling you don’t want me to,” Remus said, gesturing to Janus’s lower area. “So, come on. Strip for me. Give me a show.”

Janus pretended the blush permeating his cheeks didn’t exist as he did as Remus said, submitting to whatever weird scheme Remus had in his head. It didn’t mean anything at all, he reminded himself. It was just Remus being Remus. He took his gloves off first, then his shirt and pants. His eyes caught Remus staring at him and he shoved the flutter of hope in his chest, instead wrapping his hands around his chest to conceal one of the only secrets he kept from his best friend. 

“Take a photo, Re,” he snarked. “It’ll last longer.”

“Oh! Good idea!”

Remus took his phone out of his pocket and snapped a photo.

“Well, that’ll be a private photo just for me if you know what I mean.”

Janus rolled his eyes, trying hard not to think about Remus doing _that_.

“Just give me the clothes already.”

“Snappy today are we? If you’re feeling grumpy we can always go ho-“

“No!” Realising he sounded pretty desperate, Janus cleared his throat. “I mean, no. I just want to look at clothes today. That’s all.”

Remus nodded and handed him the first outfit, Janus removing one hand to grab it from him. It was a dress actually, with a corset top and a fluffy bottom. It was black with yellow bows and the skirt was extremely short.

. It came to his upper thigh and Janus immediately felt self-conscious. It didn’t help that Remus was once again staring at him.

“What?” Janus asked, trying hard to disguise the tremor in his voice. Remus looking at him did nothing to abate the weird feelings in his stomach.

“Nothing. You just look so… hot.”

Janus rolled his eyes.

“No, you do. I’d never lie to you about this. Come on, give us a twirl.”

Janus rolled his eyes again but conceded, twirling for Remus. He flinched a little when Remus put a hand on his back, trailing down to his ass. He spanked it again and another moan was drawn from him, flushing in embarrassment.

“You don’t need to hide those pretty noises or that pretty blush, Jan. Not with me.”

Needless to say, they did something other than getting changed in that dressing room. But it was ok because the store was mysteriously closed, the cashier having a family emergency. 

**--**

That moment in the dressing room sparked a change in their friendship. Janus got really embarrassed after that and stopped going out with Remus on the weekend. He always had an excuse, and they were good ones, but in the back of his mind he knew he couldn’t keep it up. Remus and him were best friends after all. As much as he liked what they did in the changing room, he didn’t want to sacrifice their friendship for it. And if it meant never having a romantic relationship and only having a platonic/sexual one, well. Janus would just have to make his peace with it.

Of course, he forgot that Remus was a law unto himself.

It had been a month after the changing room incident and Remus finally got him alone, cornering him in the first-floor toilets.

“You’ve been ignoring me, Jan. Ever since that Saturday, you’ve been refusing to be with me alone. Did I misread the signs or what?”

“I have the clearest idea of what you’re talking about,” Janus said, sarcasm seeping in.

“Don’t you dare. You know exactly what I’m talking about. We got handsy in the changing room and made out until we saw stars. Or do you not like thinking about it?”

“No, no. I do. I just… itwasmyfirsttimedoingthatwithsomeone.”

Remus raised an eyebrow, fluent in Janusi.

“Oh? I was your first time eh?”

And that voice was back, thick and heavy. His lower regions throbbed and he felt like Remus could see it (obviously he couldn't, but still). The older boy walked forwards and slotted his thigh between Janus's leg, the packer pressing back onto his private parts, the pressure making him gasp.

“No wonder you’re so receptive. It’s just a shame we’re at school isn’t it? Go sort yourself out in the stalls like the slut you are and come to my place tonight. I’ve got plans for you.”


	2. You Have Shattered All My Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus finally decides to tell Remus how he feels. It goes just as well as you'd think. 
> 
> That is, not well at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> This chapter is definitely angstier than the last one *points to unrequited love tag*  
> Trigger warnings:  
> Negative thinking;  
> Copious amount of swearing;  
> Remus being Remus.  
> Happy reading,  
> Ash x

It was eighteen months later when Remus and Janus finally got their shit together and started dating. Eighteen months of hookups that taught Janus a lot about himself. Eighteen months of pining, the urge to be in a romantic relationship with his best friend. Eighteen months of pure obliviousness from both parties regarding the other’s feelings. But most importantly, eighteen months of Janus suffering with both a broken heart and spiralling mental health.

Remy and Emile were sat with Janus in Emile’s room, the enby holding Janus as he sobbed. His feelings for Remus were getting to the point where it hurt to hook up with him. At least once a week, Remy and Emile had to watch Janus have a break down, crying over his first love (Janus would adamantly deny that fact, but it was true) only really wanting him for sex. And that’s all it would ever be, because Remus wasn’t known for dating. For as long as Janus knew him, Remus never once expressed any sort of romantic feeling for someone. So, Janus just assumed he was aromantic.

That made it easier for Janus to deal with his heartbreak. If Remus was aromantic, then Janus wasn’t the reason why he didn’t like him. It was because he couldn’t help it. Just like Janus couldn’t help being solely sexually attracted to him (being demi-sexual was definitely something Remus helped him figure out).

Then Remus started dating Patton Hart. The hook-ups stopped- Remus was an ass at times but he’d never cheat on anybody, not even his goody-two-shoes - and the Remus sized hole in his heart grew bigger as he saw him so happy with Patton. Patton was undeniably cute and such a sweetheart, even if Janus wanted to hated him. His dark skin was always clad in pale pink and blue clothes, with the occasional mint green. He always offered Janus cookies and bagels, a happy grin on his face. But even those cookies, as delicious as they were, couldn’t make up for the fact that Remus was with Janus less and less. Janus’s and Remus’s weekend shopping trips were often postponed because “sorry Jan. Patton wanted to go on a date today.” They’d make new plans for another day, giving Janus so much hope because he truly trusted Remus, only for said plans to be cancelled without hesitation since “I can’t do today Jan. Patton is coming around. Maybe another time, yeah?” It hurt so much, like Remus punched a hole in Janus’s chest and ripped his heart out.

But that’s not what hurt the most. No, that was the fact that Roman was blatantly pining over Patton and it was destroying them, watching Patton and Remus be cute together. So, Janus reached out a hand to them.

If this were a cliché movie or something, Roman and Janus would realise how much they liked one another and fall in love, get married and have loads of (adopted) babies.

But this wasn’t a movie. It was reality. And reality was, Janus was currently screaming out his pain as Emile and Remy stroked his hair and fed him ice-cream.

“Maybe you should just talk to him about how you’re feeling.”

Janus glared at Remy, hissing a little.

“No. Don’t look at me like that, ma crevette. Sometimes it’s best to just own up your feelings and tell the one you like how you feel. Trust me on this.”

“But loulou…”

“No ma crevette. Trust in me. I know what I’m talking about. I’m French. We’re masters of romance.”

Emile rolled their eyes at Remy, flicking him gently.

“You once bought me toothpaste as a romantic gift, Rem. I’d hardly call you a master of romance. However, this time he’s right, Janus. You need to talk to Remus about your feelings for him before it destroys you entirely. Because it’s obviously eating at you.”

Janus nodded and sat up, leaning against Remy. Remy placed his hand on Janus’s shoulder, squeezing gently.

“Ma crevette, you need to tell him how you feel before it breaks you. Or before it gets too serious between Patton and Remus.”

“Ok,” Janus said, sighing and picking at the carpet of Emile’s extremely pink room, pinker than their hair. “Just make sure you bring ice-cream, alright? Got the feeling that this won’t end well.”

**--**

There were four attempts of Janus trying to tell Remus his feelings. Each went better than the last.

The first was horrific. Not only did Janus not confess to Remus how he felt- there were three other attempts after all- but it also made their friendship even rockier than it was before.

In hindsight, Janus probably shouldn’t have walked up to Remus hand-in-hand with Remy, but having her there made Janus feel a little safer. After all, if his heart was broken, Remy could always punch Janus in the face so he had a different pain to focus on.

The two made their way to Remus. He was leaning on the wall outside the main school entrance, cigarette in hand. That should have been a warning to Janus- Remus only ever smoked when his thoughts were more vicious than usual, said the smoke helped clear his head- but he was so transfixed on the way Remus looked. He looked as gorgeous as ever, wearing black ripped jeans, a Palaye Royale crop t-shirt and dark red platform boots. His makeup was winged eyeliner, black lipstick (obviously) and he had a ring in his nose, one Janus knew he got on his sixteenth birthday last week.

“Sup J-anus, Ratatouille. Want a smoke?”

Remy shook her head.

“Can’t. Emi hates the smell.”

“Shame. What about you, J-anus?”

Janus tried to speak, but the words wouldn’t come out. His throat closed up, nerves snaking around his stomach and making his hand shake in Remy’s. She squeezed his hand gently and nudged his shoulder, her way of saying “I love you, but please stop being a gay disaster and get on with it already”. Remus’s eyes zeroed in on the action and an unrecognisable emotion flickered in his eyes. If the smoking wasn’t a clear sign that something was wrong, that definitely was. Remus took pride in being readable and open, claiming it was the exact opposite of Roman. He only closed himself off when something either hurt him or made his thoughts worsen.

“You two finally fucking with the emotional baggage? About time really.”

Remus’s voice cut through Janus’s thoughts, his usual exuberant tone becoming harsh and cold. That was the moment Janus realised that he messed up. Completely and utterly messed up.

“What? No. We’re not together. And we’ve never had sex. You…” Janus was about to say that he only ever had any sort of sexual attraction to Remus, but stopped himself. “Remy’s in a strictly monogamous relation and I… I have feelings for someone else.”

The rush of anxiety that last phrase gave Janus was dreadful. His hands shook harder and Remy squeezed the one she was holding again. It was the reassurance Janus needed. He opened his mouth to speak, only for Remus to cut him off.

“Oh, so whilst we were fucking, you were imagining it was Roman? You know, I should have guessed you liked my sibling.“

“What the fuck?” Janus said, letting go of Remy’s hand. “I don’t like Roman, Ree. I swear I don’t.”

“You know, for someone who claims he has a silver tongue, you’re a really shitty liar. I’ve seen the way you look at them, and the way you two have gotten closer. Patton says they don’t hang around with him anymore, choosing to be with you instead. That sounds like some sort of f-”

“The reason why they’ve been hanging with me is because you and Patton are shitty best friends.” Oh shit. Backtrack, Janus. This situation is turning to vinegar and it's your fault. Apologise or something. “Ever since you started dating, you never make an effort to be with me anymore. We’ve known each other for eleven years, and you left me for someone you’ve only known since middle school. Roman feels exactly the same way. So yeah, we’ve been getting to know each other more, but only because neither of you can get your lips off each other long enough to realise you’ve messed up.” Or not. Just keep talking until you end up losing the one person who matters to you the most.

Both Remus and Remy stared at him, the latter in shock. The former, however, just blinked. His eyes looked suspiciously wet… Oh God Janus. You absolute idiot. You’ve gone and made him cry.

“Remus I-“

“Forget it Janus. I’m glad you got that off your chest and that you’ve found Roman. Guess you won’t be needing me anymore.”

Yep, Janus definitely fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me :)  
> p.s. I'm back to school at the moment and the workload is slowly eating away at my mental state, so updates will probably be a lot slower than with IHATTLTWO (jeez, I need to think of an acronym-appropriate title). Having said that, I'll try to get the next one up as soon as possible.


	3. You'll Never Know Dear, How Much I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second time Janus tried to confess his feelings was completely unintentional- not ideal, at all- but went marginally better than the first. That is, it didn’t end in Janus crying so hard his Pops dragged him out on a country drive, something which always made him feel a little better regardless of the situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> Trigger warnings:  
> Swearing;  
> Angst (it's almost over I swear);  
> Remus being Remus;  
> Negative thinking.  
> Happy reading,  
> Ash x

The second time Janus tried to confess his feelings was completely unintentional- not ideal, at all- but went marginally better than the first. That is, it didn’t end in Janus crying so hard his Pops dragged him out on a country drive, something which always made him feel a little better regardless of the situation.

They did that when he got home after his argument with Remus, his pops taking one look at him and shepherding him out of the house and into the car. It made the pain in his chest a little easier, but Janus knew it couldn’t be fixed solely by blasting vintage jazz and old-school rock. It couldn’t be fixed by refusing to talk to him either, something Janus quickly realised. It took a long time for him to gather up the courage to even look Remus in the face though, let alone actually have a conversation with him. It didn’t help that whenever he went to talk to him, Patton would appear. The minute Janus opened his mouth to apologise, he would just roll his eyes, grab Remus by the hand and walk away. Janus understood why- he majorly fucked up after all- but it made it a lot harder to try and make amends with both Patton and Remus.

Because that’s the thing about Janus. Many people saw him as some cold-hearted guy who had no time for the people he cared about. They thought he didn’t know when to admit he was wrong and try to fix what he did. But they were wrong. 

Janus knew he messed up. He knew he was stupid for not only arguing with Remus, but also for dragging Patton into it. He knew that Remus was just as guilty, but it didn’t make his own actions any better. If he could go back and stop himself from messing up, he would. But he couldn’t so he had to apologise and hope it worked.He couldn’t lose Remus. If being friends meant he had to shove down his feelings as he watched Remus and Patton be happy, then so be it. He would still tell him how he felt, something Remy, Emile and his Pops would be overjoyed to hear, but only to clear the air and allow himself to move on. He realised he had to take his courage with his own two hands for the sake of his sanity.

But not today. No. Today was to apologise. Later he could tell Remus how he felt.

Janus made his way to Remus’s room. He had been invited by Roman to ‘have a chill day’ but he knew it was really just an opportunity for Roman to grill him about the argument and persuade him to “just talk to him already, you bananaconda”. Luckily for Roman, that’s exactly what he intended to do.

Janus knocked on the green door, ignoring the rising anxiety in his chest, and waited for Remus to answer.

“Hell- oh. It’s you. What do you want?”

“… I like you…” What the fuck Janus? Abort mission, abort mission, abort mission! “I mean, I like you the way you are. You’re my best friend and I was lucky to have you as one. You’re kind and funny and loud and the most chaotic trash I know and..” Jeez, this is what happens when you hang around Roman as she’s waxing poetry about Patton. You’re not here to confess your feelings. You’re here to apologise. “I’m sorry I messed up. I guess I was jealous. Not of you and Patton being in a relationship or anything because no thank you.” That’s a laugh and a half. “I’m just jealous because I barely see you anymore but I told myself I’m not allowed to feel like that because you seem so happy with him. I haven’t seen you look like that for a while. I just miss my best friend. I’m not expecting you to forgive me or anything, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry. And if you could get Patton to stop walking away from me every time I try and say sorry to him too, that would be great.”

Remus didn’t say anything. Janus nodded to himself, not expecting anything less, and went to walk off, only for Remus to stop him.

“Do you wanna come in? We can watch some trashy horror films and complain about how shitty the acting is. Or we can play SOMA. I know how much you like that game, even if there’s barely any gore.”

Janus blinked twice, not expecting that. He quickly pushed his confusion down and rolled his eyes, going for his usual dry remarks.

“Remus, you once said the Saw films have barely any gore. I don’t really trust your judgement when it comes to that.” Too far Janus. That’s too far. You could have offended h-

“True, but I only said that to make Roman watch them with us. She literally thinks A Cabin In The Woods is the scariest and goriest film out there.”

Janus chuckled a little at that. Roman’s reaction to the first Saw movie was something Janus was sure he’d never forget, mostly because of Remus. Roman fainted during the scalpel scene, much to the others’ amusement, and Remus saw it as his duty to remind his sibling of her reaction whenever possible.

Remembering the movie nights the three used to have once again filled Janus with a longing to go back in time, back when Remus was just a friend and they weren’t in the mess they were in now. Back when the two could binge-watch horror films without a care in the world, throwing popcorn at the screens and criticising the stupidity of some of the characters. Back when there was no risk of losing the best thing that ever happened to him if he confessed to his feelings, because there were no romantic feelings involved.

But if Janus was truly being honest, something he sometimes struggled to do, he didn’t want to go back in time. Sure, the majority of him wanted to avoid all the complicated-ness their friendship/relationship developed (as well as go back to before his maman died, but that’s another thought for another day), but a small part of him disagreed. That small part of him said he needed to focus on the now, instead of losing himself in the past. It sounded a lot like his pops’ voice, grounding him to reality and stopping him from drowning in maybes and what-ifs. It was the part of him that said he deserved to have happiness, and if that happiness came from being around Remus, then he should not wallow in his pity and instead get his guy (that particular thought sounded a whole lot more like Remy though).

Instead of choosing to listen to the negative thoughts that he always listened to, he let that little seed of positivity begin to grow.

“Lets play some SOMA then. If you feel like it, afterwards we can binge the Saw films and watch Cockneys vs Zombies.”

“I knew we were best friends for a reason. Last one to sit at the console is a piece of casu marzu.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken so long for an update for this fic. I've been struggling a little with my mental health and I haven't had a lot of energy to write, I won't lie. This chapter feels quite crappy but that could just be me being negative.  
> Anyways, see you next time :)


	4. I'll Admit That I'm A Fool For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The third time Janus confesses doesn't go exactly as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  
> Sorry it's been such a long wait. My mental health is still pretty shit- intrusive thoughts are kicking my ass right now, and my anxiety loves reminding me of the fact- but I'm back, so that means something right?  
> As always, here are the trigger warnings:  
> Negative thinking;  
> Swearing;  
> Shitty writing (not a trigger, but it's definitely bad).  
> Happy reading,  
> Ash x

The third time Janus decided to confess his feelings for Remus was a bit different to the others. As in, the minute he saw Remus’s face in the hallway at school, he quickly turned on his heel and hightailed it to the nearest toilets, dying on the inside. He quickly ran into one of the stalls- glad no-one else was in there because he did not want to lose his reputation, thank you very much- locked the door and began to cry. Janus thought he could tell Remus how he felt, but he couldn’t. He wished he could say it’s because he saw how happy he was with Patton, giggling and holding hands like the cutesy couple they are, but it wasn’t.

The truth was, Janus was selfish. He didn’t want to ruin a friendship that he’d only just started to build up again, he didn’t want to break Patton’s heart- he’d never admit it out loud, but he kind of cared for the little guy- and he certainly didn’t want to lose Remus for good this time. Whatever courage he had back at the Archelaus’s place had disappeared entirely, and in its place was dread. Pure, unadulterated dread.

“Hey, Janus? You in here? Actually, don’t answer that. Emi saw you go in so obviously you’re here. They said you looked like you needed a hug and tried to come in themself but we both know that if they find you looking sad, I won’t be able to stop them from cuddling you and-“

Janus took a deep breath, wiped the tears from his face and unlocked the door, cutting off Remy’s ramble. He took one look at Janus’s face and nodded to himself.

“You ran didn’t you?”

Janus nodded.

“I swear ma crevette. You are a huge gay disaster.”

“I know. I just…”

“You panicked? Pretty sure that’s Borrasca’s job. That guy is one massive ball of anxiety.”

Janus cracked a small smile at Remy’s attempt to lighten the mood, but it quickly dropped off his face.

“I’m an indecisive mess, aren’t I? One moment I’m saying I need to tell Re how I feel and the next, I’m panicking and running away. I must be driving you all crazy.”

“Hey now. You’re not allowed to pick on yourself. That’s my job.” Remy hesitated for a moment. “Janus, you know I won’t lie to you right?”

“Um, yeah?” Janus said, a bit confused by the sudden change of conversation.

“Good. Ok… Sorry. You know I’m not the one who’s good at reassurance and stuff. I just… I think I speak for all of us when I say you don’t drive us crazy. You are my friend and I’m always going to be here for you. Even if everything seems like it goes wrong, I’ll be right here.”

Janus smirked.

“You love me. You really love me.”

Remy rolled his eyes, flicking Janus off.

“Yeah yeah. Fuck off. You know I’m not good at this shit.”

“I know… But seriously. Thank you. I… I needed to hear that today. I … I’m so scared. Re and Patton are obviously really into each other and I don’t want to hurt them. But I also want to tell Remus, because I know it’ll hurt me more if I don’t. And I’ve realised that I don’t deserve that anymore. Even if I feel like I do.”

Remy smiled, eyes a little damp.

“That’s ma crevette. Now, go out there and slay, yeah? You’ve got this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short. I have another chapter in the works though, so that should be out soon (*nervous laughter from future me*).


	5. All Alone He Bears The Shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets are revealed. But not the ones you think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  
> So, this is the beginning of the end! We have one more chapter and then the epilogue. There's more installments to come but I think the angst/romantic relationships will be on the back-burner for a little bit.  
> Before I list the trigger warnings, this chapter is a little different. Instead of the name Janus being used, Deceit is used instead. This is because the person who's POV it is isn't that close to Janus (at this point in the series anyways- trying not to spoil here) but is still friends-ish with him. I have a headcanon that people in this series call Janus Deceit until he tells them otherwise, or until they're comfortable enough with him.  
> Anyways, trigger warnings:  
> None, I don't think. Maybe some judgemental thinking/jumping to misguided conclusions and negativity but that's it.   
> Happy reading (as always)  
> Ash x

Patton ran into an empty classroom as Deceit made his way out of the toilets, Remy following behind. He had no intention to eavesdrop but he couldn’t help it. Whenever he saw someone hurt, he couldn’t help but want to make sure they were ok. And seeing Deceit run away the minute he saw Patton and Remus made Patton’s heart break a little.

It was so painstakingly obvious that Deceit like-liked Remus. The way his eyes always watched Remus walk away, the way he smiled a little more when the chaotic guy- Patton had to check to see if it was ok calling Remus a guy, never knowing a quoigender person before- was around and the way he acted whilst the “couple” were there. Patton wished Remus could wake up and see that Deceit liked him too, allowing them to put an end to the whole fake relationship thing. It was so, so stupid and Patton had no clue why he agreed to it. He guess it’s because he wanted to give Roman- his beautiful, gorgeous Roman- a way to prove if they liked him just as much as he liked them. He didn’t expect the drama to happen (probably should have in retrospect, but no-one is perfect) and gosh, the drama that was caused was worse than expected. Remus and Deceit’s friendship, for one, almost got completely destroyed, his own friendship with Roman was hardly a thing anymore and his other friends- Emile and Remy namely- barely talked to him either. Remy just glared whenever she/they/he walked by, occasionally flipping him off.

So yeah. The fake relationship was so stupid and caused a lot more harm than good. Sure, he gained a chaotic friend in Remus, but it didn’t mitigate- see that Remus? He knew big words too- the harm he caused. He knew he wasn’t the only one at blame (it was Remus’s idea after all) yet that didn’t make him feel better at all. He vowed to himself that if Deceit, Roman or Remus didn’t do something to stop the relationship, he would. Even if it meant losing Remus.

Then he overheard the conversation with Deceit and Remy. He was so, so proud of Deceit for finally deciding to tell Remus how he felt, consequences be damned. Part of him wanted to run in there and give him a big ole hug, but Lord knows that wouldn’t have ended well. He may have been viewed as a little oblivious by most people, but Patton could read boundaries pretty well. And Patton knew that regardless of the whole dating-his-best-friend/obvious-crush, Deceit wouldn’t want a Patton-Hug. They weren’t that close, only friends because of other friends, and before the whole fiasco, he never wanted to be any closer with Deceit. Patton saw him as a troublemaker, a good-for-nothing snake who hurt people intentionally and never apologised to them. A liar who manipulated people and got them into trouble. He once went as far to say that Deceit was a sociopath, cold on both the inside and out.

But he was wrong. He was so, so wrong. In his self-righteous moments, Patton forgot that Deceit was a teenager too. A teenager who went through more than he could ever imagine. A teenager who kept Emile safe when they came out, letting them stay over at his place when they needed somewhere to go. A teenager who tried to put a stop to the bullying at Gilroy and for the most part succeeded. That was more than what many teachers did, claiming that a little roughhousing was good for the soul. Deceit however? He always took the bullied kids under his wing and kept them safe, taking time out of his day to talk to them and see how they were doing. At least- that’s what Remus said. And not to mention, after the big argument (Patton was quietly referring to it as The Incident, because he was dramatic like that) that almost broke Deceit’s and Remus’s friendship, Deceit made sure to include _him_ into the apology. It made no sense to Patton, yet he did it. And oh boy it made Patton feel awful. After all the passive-aggressive, and sometimes aggressive-aggressive, judgement he made towards him, Patton felt like a real b-hole. A complete idiot of a teenager who should have know better, but didn’t.

It was about time Patton sorted out the mess he created. Pulling out his phone, he gave Remus the heads-up:

_deciet on his wav. gl._

Let’s hope it was enough of a start. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is already written so that should be up soon. I'm sorry if the quality of these chapters have gotten worse. It didn't help that I hate writing as Patton. I love the character, but I'm not great at writing him.  
> See you next time :)


	6. This Thing Called Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ending we've all been waiting for (+ a little epilogue featuring our favourite emo racoon)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! We're finally at the end of this installment. I've got ideas for the next one (see end notes for more) and I'm excited to grow this series.  
> As always, trigger warnings for this chapter are:  
> Remus Being Remus;  
> Suspected Panic Attack (but it's not);  
> Implied Sex;  
> So Much Swearing;  
> Angst;  
> Negative Thinking and Kinda Self-Depricatingness (i think?);  
> Mention of the Mafia;  
> Mention of Fire;  
> Mention of Murder (the last three make this chapter sound a lot worse than it actually is).  
> Happy reading guys!  
> Ash x

Janus’s hands shook in his pockets as he made his way to Remus. This was it. Just tell him how you feel. No angst. No snapping. No pity. Just say it and then walk away. Simple.

Janus knew that it would not be as simple as he planned in his head. If it was, Patton and Remus wouldn’t have been a thing, Remus would be in a relationship with himself and Roman would be living her happy ever after with Patton. Or, he would have confessed to Remus how he felt when they started hooking up. That would have been so much easier.

He knew better, however, to dwell on the what-ifs and maybes. He did that a lot when his maman died and he knew it wasn’t healthy. He just had to live in the moment and tell Remus he liked him, consequences be damned.

It was at lunch this time. Janus spent most of it in the toilets crying, Remy fixing his makeup afterwards. He had five minutes before the bell rang and the next lesson started- not that Janus ever went to Mrs Reynolds class. He didn’t like her ableist shittiness and made it obvious- so he had to be quick. He was glad that Patton wasn’t there (which was a little strange because the couple were almost always together) but wanted to get Remus away from their other friends. The last thing he wanted was to get rejected in front of everyone and deal with their pity.

As he made his way to the table, Roman caught his eye and mouthed _now?_ Janus nodded and Roman smiled a little but didn’t do anything else.

“Hey, Remus? Can we talk for a sec?”

“Aren’t we talking right now?”

Janus rolled his eyes, used to Remus’s shit. Although, that comeback- if it could even be called that- was pretty tame for him.

“You know what I mean. Like… In private?”

“Oooh. You mean that kind of talk. You only had to ask Janny.”

The others merely rolled their eyes and Janus laughed, walking to a table furthest away from everyone else. He knew Remus was following, he had an instinct for that somehow, and sat down. It was now or never.

“Remus… I-I-I… I have something to confess-“

“What is it? Let me guess. You murdered someone. You set fire to your bedsheets again. You picked the wrong person’s pockets and now you’re a member of the Mafia, with a blood-debt to a feared Don.”

Janus blinked in surprise. He thought he was used to Remus’s weirdness, but that third idea. At least the other two were more likely.

“Wha… Remus- You. No. Ok, I'll just come out and say it. I… I have a massive crush on you. Have since you were ten and came round to check on me in the park after… after everything. I told myself that eventually it would go away and then the friends with benefits thing happened. Then I was like, ok it’ll be fine. Just never tell him. Keep doing what you’re doing and maybe he’ll like you too. I thought… I was stupid to believe that by doing stuff with you, you’d like me back romantically. For the longest of time I thought you were aromantic and then Patton came along and… I’m talking too much. I just... I have a crush on you. I’m sorry. I don’t want this to ruin our friendship anymore than it already has. I don’t want to break you and Patton up either because you’re so good for each other. I just wanted you to know.”

Remus didn’t say anything. Janus nodded to himself and got ready to leave, willing the tears in his eyes not to come out- he had a reputation after all- only for a hand to wrap around his wrist.

“I have something to confess too. The feeling is mutual. The whole Patton thing? It was fake. We wanted our respective crushes to like us back and act on it. At least, that’s what Patton wanted. I just wanted to see if you liked me too. I thought you were only in it for sex.”

Janus didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, panic or be angry. The last one was easy enough though. He was half French after all, and French people had a lot of passion.

“Excuse me? You’re saying that you’ve been faking dating Patton? For almost eighteen fucking months? This whole time? This whole fucking time? Do you have any idea the shit you put Roman and I through, Remus? It was bad enough that you did this to me- and let’s not even talk about you thinking I only wanted you for sex, I’m demisexual you dumb piece of shit- but your own sibling? What the fuck? She has literally been broken-hearted and almost depressed, thinking she wasn’t good for anything. You know, better than maybe even Patton, that she has self-esteem issues yet you still decided to go ahead with it? You are a fucking wanker you know that? Wait, don’t even answer that. I can’t believe you. Do you really think that little of us both to deceive us like that? And not just us, but literally everyone else around us too? So much drama has been caused because of this fucking thing and you- Why are you laughing?”

“You’re so hot when you’re angry. It does something to me.”

“Oh the cow. Can you quit being horny for once in your life, you bastard?”

“Sorry Janny,” Remus said, giggles subsiding. “You like me so you’re stuck with me. If… If you want?”

“Really. You’re asking me if I want to be your boyfriend after admitting that you’ve been lying to me for more than a year?”

Remus flinched a little and Janus cursed himself internally.

“Apologise to our friends and I’ll think about it. Then meet me in the bathroom. We have a lot to… discuss.”

“Hell fucking yeah!”

**-**

Virgil blinked, mouth open in shock.

“I don’t know what I expected, but it certainly wasn’t that. I mean, a fake relationship? Really Remus? It makes sense though, I guess. It makes sense though. Only you guys would have such a chaotic way of starting a relationship.”

“If you think that’s chaotic, you should ask Remy how they started dating Emile. Now that’s a story worth telling the children.”

“I think I’m chaosed out for the day. I just… I have so many questions. For one, did Pat and Ro ever get together? For two, since when were you so close to Remy and Emile, Jan? And for three, you’re telling me that you had sex at thirteen and fourteen? What the fuck?”

“Oh, I can answer the third question. Janny wasn’t my first time. Can I baby? Please, please, please?”

Janus laughed, knowing exactly what was coming.

“Sure, but keep it as PG as possible. The last thing we want is Virgil fainting like Remy did when you told him. I don’t want you corrupting my brother thank you very much.”

“I’m hardly innocent. I can handle it.”

Janus and Remus shared knowing looks with each other. Remy said the same thing and he wasn’t exactly inexperienced when it came to sex, unlike their resident emo nightmare.

“So, I was thirteen years old and there was guy. He must have been what, sixteen? He was like, super into the hardcore shit. You wouldn’t believe the things we did together. He managed to buy this sex machine and whoiee. He sure went to town. Silicone never felt so good I’ll tell you that. And not to mention the Viagra. Oh, and his significant others came over too. Best group sex I’ve ever had. One of the girls was a Domme and-… Virge? You ok there?”

Virgil’s eyes were glassy, hands shaking a little. Janus and Remus both tensed up, ready to help him out of a panic attack, only to be confused when hysterical laughter fell out of his mouth.

“Only you would have a story that wild. I’m guessing that was the abridged version, right?”

The other boys nodded, a slight smirk on Remus’s face. Knowing exactly what was coming, Janus shook his head.

“You make my brother faint and you’ll get none for a week.”

“Cursed image, cursed image, eww gross. Jan, why?”

Janus rolled his eyes at Virgil, a smile on his face nonetheless. Recounting the story of how Remus and himself finally got together always made him feel at peace a little bit- as cringey as that sounded.

The “chaotic couple”- as Virge fondly called them- went through a lot to get to where they were. There was so much heartbreak, not just from themselves but from Patton and Roman too (a story for another time), but as sappy as it may sound Janus thought it was all worth it. The fights, the pain, the dramatic revelation.

As long as Janus got to call his favourite quoigender trash rat his, almost anything was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! I can't believe this one is finished. It's definitely been a lot harder to write than IHATTLTWO because as you've probably realised, romance is not my thing. Nonetheless, I'm kinda proud I got this done? There was a time when I was going to delete it all (shout-out to Yaz for stopping me). I plan for the next installment to be more fluff and less angst with brotherly Anxceit at the centre, but who knows? Anything could happen.  
> See you guys in the next part :)

**Author's Note:**

> Buckle up buckaroos. We're in for a ride >:)


End file.
